In Which Kevin Ryan Claws His Ears Off
by Zofie C. Field
Summary: The dangers of eavesdropping...


_Complete silliness...  
><em>

_Some conversations aren't meant to be overheard._

_Note: None of these characters are mine._

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><p><strong>In Which Kevin Ryan Claws His Ears Off<strong>

On this page is hereby set forth the true and tragic tale of our protagonist, Detective Kevin Ryan, and the terrible sequence of events by which he was compelled to claw his ears off. Our tale begins bright and early one morning in the break room…

It was a quarter to nine, no one had been murdered yet, and he still had 15 minutes before his shift started. He had a hot cup of coffee, a bagel and cream cheese, and the Thursday crossword puzzle. Kevin Ryan was a happy man. He was a happy man for all of ten minutes, six answers down and ten answers across, and half a bagel. He was a happy man until our supporting characters, Richard Castle and Detective Katherine Beckett, entered the break room. They appeared to be deep in conversation. Not noticing our protagonist sitting in the far corner of the room (innocently enjoying his morning paper) our supporting cast continued their conversation.

"When I do it, I do it in low gear so I can make quick, hard strokes. It's high energy, and I get more into the rhythm of the movement that way." Castle wandered towards the coffee pot and began filling two mugs, glancing at Beckett as he spoke.

Ryan opened his mouth to greet them, but as Castle's words sunk in, his mouth quickly snapped shut.

"Really? I prefer to do it in high gear. I like the smooth, slow strokes." Beckett accepted the mug from Castle, and leaned casually against the counter. "Plus, I find I get where I'm trying to go faster with slow, smooth strokes than with quick, hard strokes."

At this, Ryan began to comprehend where the conversation was going. His eyes grew wide and he gagged a little on his bite of bagel. Desperate to not be noticed (and mortified at overhearing such a private conversation), he sorted himself out quietly with a gulp of his coffee.

"Since this will be our first time doing this together, I'd be happy to go at your preferred pace. We've been working hard lately, Kate. I want us both to enjoy this to the fullest."

Kevin stared at them. He knew they'd been spending time together outside of the precinct lately, but he hadn't realized things had gotten serious. The whole precinct was in on the Castle/Beckett pool, but they had all figured they had a few more weeks before Castle made his move and someone won the money. Ryan glanced at the door, hoping he could slip out unnoticed, but the door was on the other side of the room. He'd have to pass Castle and Beckett to get out. There would be no escape for him this morning.

"That's sweet, Castle. Pace doesn't really matter to me though, as long as we both make it to the end." She smiled at him for a moment, before her face turned serious and she pointed a finger at him accusingly. "Protection is non-optional though. I don't care if it isn't the _cool_ thing to do. If you're with me, I insist on safety."

Ryan listened in horror as his boss and the writer discussed matters far too personal for the break room. An image popped into our poor protagonist's head; an image he had never _never_ wanted to see. He screwed his eyes shut and shook his head violently, trying to block out the mental depiction of the described acts.

"Not to worry, Detective. I've been serious about protection since Alexis was born. After you have a kid, you realize you can't be taking risks anymore."

Ryan clamped his hands down tightly over his ears and began to hum quietly, desperate to block out the conversation he was never meant to hear.

"Hey guys," Esposito popped his head in the door and addressed Castle and Beckett. "Are we still on for this weekend?"

Castle nodded in confirmation. "Beckett and I were just discussing it. She's going to set the pace this first time." Esposito shot him a thumbs-up and turned to leave. "Oh, and don't forget protection," Castle called after him, tapping his head and winking when Esposito turned back around.

The conversation permeated Ryan's palms and slithered into his unwilling ears. His mouth fell open in disbelief. Esposito too? Kinky. The unwanted images once again flooded his head, this time made all the more horrifying by the addition of his best friend to the dirty mix of boss and writer.

"I've got it covered, bro." Esposito grinned wryly. "I hope you guys are up for the challenge of doing this with me. I can go for hours without stopping."

This was too much for our poor, broken protagonist. Ryan was struck with the sudden, desperate desire to claw his ears off, so as to never hear such a depraved conversation again. As the writhing, sweaty mass of images flooded his brain, he clutched his ears, jumped to his feet, and dashed out of the break room, nearly knocking Esposito over in the process.

"Wow," Esposito said, watching with concern as his usually stable partner fled from the precinct. The three of them looked on in confusion as Ryan turned and shot them one horrified and slightly disgusted glance before dashing into the elevator.

"I was going to ask Ryan to join us on our bike ride this weekend, but he's looking pretty ill. Maybe next time."

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><p><em>Thanks for reading!<em>


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